Julie's Journey

Thursday, May 29, 2008
Hating cameras and mirrors

It's funny. I know I'm fat. But, I tend to "forget" it. Then I look in a mirror, and it all comes back. We are staying at my grandmas here in MI, and the room I am staying in has mirrored closet doors. No hiding from those babies. I look at myself, and feel like I am going to be physically ill.

Took my daughter to a playdate/birthday party a week or so ago. One of the moms took and posted pictures from the party. I am so embarrased. I look HUGE (probably because I am. of course) Wish I had a way of going in and erasing her pictures... not that that will change reality. I will still look like this.

How could I allow myself to get here?????

posted by Julie's Journey @ 5:24 PM 1 Comments

A little frustrated

We are currently in MI (finally sold our house here after almost 2 years) My daugther and I flew out May 13th. Talked to the surgeons office before we left. She told me she got the psychologists report, as well as the records from my doctor here in MI. She told me she would send them to BC/BS and call them on Mon/Tuesday (this would be almost 2 weeks ago) and check on it.

Dummy me....I didn't want to bug her...so I didin't follow through with things like I should have. Finally called her today...and she ws like... "Oh, I'm just waiting on the letter from your Preffered Provider" WTF????? She could have told me she needed one....not just wait around for it to magically fall from the sky!!!!

I got a bit upset, she got short, mild words were exchanged. She basically told me she has too much work to keep up with everyone. I asked her to call my doctor in CO, as well as the one in MI and see what she could do about getting this sent in. I want to get this denial process over (real positive thinking, huh???) and get this show on the road. This hernia is causing me a significant amout of pain. Not all the time...I will lean against the counter doing dishes and Owwww..pain all the way across my middle. Sometimes if I lay wrong in bed it hurts, also bending over to pick anything up causes pain.

We are flying back to CO June 4th. I am hoping to have the sugery done around the 18th or so. Just hate shelling out over 5 grand, but I hate even more the thought of having to go through 2 surgeries.

I just want this over.

posted by Julie's Journey @ 5:12 PM 0 Comments

Monday, May 5, 2008
a song that says all there is to say for me

I have always liked this song by Travis Tritt...but now it has more meaning than ever:

The lyrics in italics are the part that really pertain to my life and feelings right now.

*********************************************************************************

Written by Michael Peterson & Craig Wiseman

As a child I was told that I was destined to be nothing
Growing wild as I got older I fulfilled what had been said
Hiding ignorance and fear I prayed nobody saw me bluffing
But I was laying the foundation for a future I would dread
Yeah

Seems like every choice I made would somehow leave me second-guessing
'Bout the green grass I was passing racing toward the other side
I thank God for the blessing
That I finally learned this lesson:
One Step in the right direction's worth a wasted mile behind

Chorus:
Singin'
No more lookin' over my shoulder
No more hangin' on to the past
No more filling up my tomorrows
With yesterday's sorrows
No more lookin' over my shoulder

I could chill a room with reasons why I would not give forgiveness
To the people who had selfishly left me a wounded soul
I kept dragging 'round those memories
Like a ball and chain behind me
Wonderin' why my troubles followed me wherever I would go

Oh, but one night, sick and tired of being sick and tired
I realized forgiveness was the only open road
I swear I heard those shackles snap
The moment that I took that path
I never have one time looked back since the morning I arose

Chorus

I'm singin'
No more lookin' over my shoulder
No more hangin' on to the past
No more filling up my tomorrows
With yesterday's sorrows
No more, no more, no...

No more lookin' over my shoulder
No more hangin' on to the past
No more filling up my tomorrows
With yesterday's sorrows
No more lookin' over my shoulder

posted by Julie's Journey @ 3:14 PM 0 Comments

Saturday, May 3, 2008
Spent most of yesterday crying

The day before yesterday I talked to Dr Mel a couple of times, by phone. One time for almost an hour!!!

He basically told me thatn if BCBS demands a diet, they are not going to waive that.

I pretty well knew that...it's just that I was all ramped up to go through with this...also I HAVE to have hernia surgery..soon! I just don't see why they won't authorize the lapband to be done the same time as the "medically necessary" hernia repair. BTW, this is my 2nd hernia in less than 4 years (3rd lifetime in the midsection...I know I have one or two more in the pannis (the hanging down belly area) hoping once I lose the weight I can get those repaired...and possible a tummy tuck. Anyway, the reason I keep tearing and herniating is because of the weight I am carrying in the belly. So.....they can keep paying for hernia repairs, they can have me jump thorugh their hoops, and ultimatley (hopefully) pay for a second full surgery in 6-7 months... or they can...dare I say it?? pay for the surgery now. Makes sense to me. Too bad I don't work for BCBS IL, huh?? I could save them some money. Nope...it's not going to happen

The doctor called the medical center, and told me he could do the lapband at the same time. It's going to cost me about $5.500 out of pocket. My husband was not thrilled about this, he wants me to jump through their hoops. I was sooo upset. I just want to pay it and move on. Not to mention...I really don't want to have to go through 2 surgeries. He had the attitude that "if you pay for it, the insurance co won..you are doing exactlly what they want you to do" WTH??? It is an insurance co..not a person..this is my life we are talking about here.

He told me "can't you just do Weight Watchers for 6 months" acording to what the doctor infered from the rejection letter..there is more than just going to Weight Watchers needed...you need to be in a "medically supervised program" And, they seem to be quite expensive.

I was so upset, I couldn't stop crying.

Last night we talked about it, and he told me to go ahead and schedule the surgery (we are going out of state for about a month) when I get back, and just charge what needs to be charged. His biggest concern is that if BCBS sees I had a lapband done at the same time, they may reject the hernia surgery (knowing BCBS of Hell, er..I mean IL) that could actually happen. Guess I will have to ask the doctor how is going to bill it, and if he will consider it 2 seperate procedures. So...hopefully I am on my (self payed) way!!!

posted by Julie's Journey @ 8:32 AM 1 Comments

Thursday, May 1, 2008
my sleep study, and the results are...

...mild sleep apnea.

Just spoke to Dr Mel, he told me my results said mild sleep apnea. The only reccomendation was for a 1 litre oxygen flow while sleeping. I will pass on that for now!

I discussed with him the letter from BC/BS stating one of the prerequisites is a 6month diet history. He told me even with all that, I could be denied at the end of the 6 months. I am so stressed about this whole thing.

I asked him if he can put the lap band request into insurance as a secondary procedure during the hernia repair I need. He said that might be an option (though no guarantee on that) I also asked him about my self paying the lap band portion during the covered hernia surgery. He told me the actual lapband hardware is $3400.00. Unbelievable!!!! Like he said, they will pay for replacement joints, but not something that can help towards not needing replacement parts down the line (less body weight = less stress on knees, hips, ankles etc)

He is going to talk to someone at the hospital and see what (if anything) can be done for me. I just want to cry...